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"It’s all happening!"  I have no structure in my life after graduating and i cant stand it Its like im wasting away into nothing, feeling my goals and dreams slipping every day everyone is partying, getting drunk, forgetting...but I cant even have 30 min of fun until I start beating myself up for not working on my career or networking during those moments whats wrong with me? its like i cant enjoy the weather, my friends, this great new love in my life, without worrying that I dont deserve it...that I am not making anything of myself I dont want to go back to college...but I hate being in this limbo I have to get focused, find structure for myself and like the actor's prayer says-"find that one job to keep me sane" (im only asking for one) Current mood: lost. i stopped writing in this for many reasons it got too hard to write the feelings down, esp because most of them were horrible feelings of betrayal and not wanting to be happy, things I didnt want other people to know was going on inside me also, part of my felt selfish to be so selfish in writing down all these little problems when so many other bigger problems are happening in the world however, i love going back to the old entries and seeing how i was, what i was feeling, and figuring out how I have grown so even thought I am busy as hell I am going to start writing here again...I dont even know who still has me on their friend list other than rachel HA ok, so i am not by any means catching up..im just going to write usually during college when I worry its about one thing in general be in class, acting, future, boys, grades, etc....but being senior year...i end up in my thoughts alot because they are just racing when ppl ask me where I go when I space out I cannot answer them because this is what runs through my head graduation..freedom..responsibility..aud rent..parents..expenses..apartment...roo costs...restaurants..dinner...party..peo real friends..happiness...new relationships...laughter..comfort..share acting..shows..submissions..ny vs la...one day at a time..breathe...close eyes..breathe thats what is in my head its good having ppl around who have known u forever and sometimes not.. cause then you get these words shoved in your face "we can see the high school katie coming back, the insecure planning one, we dont want her back we want the confident put together college katie back, come on, you can do this, dont let high school katie back in your life" OK OK, I'm trying here I am trying its just hard, im paranoid and not trusting and waiting for things to go wrong and yet again im hopeful, taking chances professionally, tryin to stay on the ball i just need some time, to pull things together, get really organized i really just need May 16th to come and FAST...it just needs to happen, I have enough things to worry about other than grades Current mood:  stressed.
Maybe one day someone will think this about me (Im really trying not to be cynical in this world where nothing seems to work out) Pat Monahan - Her Eyes lyrics She's not afraid; she just likes to use her night light When she gets paid, true religion gets it all If they fit right. She's a little bit manic, completely organic Doesn't panic for the most part. She's old enough to know, and young enough not to say no To any chance that she gets for home plate tickets to see the Mets. Like everybody, she's in over her head, Dreads Feds, Grateful Dead, and doesn't take meds. She's a Gemini Capricorn Thinks all men are addicted to porn. I don't agree with her half the time, But, damn I'm glad she's mine. Her eyes, that's where hope lies. That's where blue skies Meet the sunrise. Her eyes, that's where I go When I go home. She got the kinda strength that every man wishes he had. She loved Michael Jackson up until he made Bad. Tells me that she lives about a hundred lives, Scares me to death when she thinks and drives, Says cowboy hats make her look fat, and I'm so glad she's mine. Her eyes, that's where hope lies. That's where blue skies Meet the sunrise. Her eyes, that's where I go When I go home. She doesn't know the word 'impossible' Don't care where I've been and doesn't care where we're goin' to. She takes me as I am, and that ain't easy. She's beautiful. So beautiful. And sometimes I think she's truly crazy. And I love it. Her eyes, that's where hope lies. That's where blue skies Always meet the sunrise. Her eyes, that's where I go When I go home. Her eyes, that's where hope lies. That's where blue skies Always meet the sunrise. Her eyes, that's where I go When I go home. She's not afraid she just likes to use her night light. Current mood:  drained.
"Some talk about how after a few years a couple would begin to hate each other by anticipating their reactions or getting tired of their mannerisms, I think it is the opposite with me. I think I can fall in love when I know everything about him- how he's going to part his hair, or what shirt he's going to wear that day, knowing the exact story he would tell in a given situation. I'm sure thats when I'd know I'm really in love"--Before Sunrise so true yep, yessir its just a ride im sick of trying to control it, or thinking that i can tell when its going to go up or down right now, things are good really good i need to stop sabotaging and looking for the negative i mean, yeah i kinda got reasons to think i might be betrayed but ppl cant live like that i need to go with what i am feeling, and hope for the best live minute by minute--screw day by day :) this spring break should be really fun/interesting...and maybe even answer some questions Im ready for this, and more important, ready for the consequences as well oh god, here I go... Current mood:  excited.
right now i feel too many emotions i am a vessel...a cavern of emotions I HATE.... how i believed the words the touch the tears the pleading the soft whisper the kisses the embraces the promises the long looks the smiles the playfulness the phone calls the second chance I LOVE.... how i let myself go how i was able to believe in someone that i took down my walls allowed myself to feel the feelings to comfort to listen to speak my mind to be invloved to hope to fall to break and to pick myself back up Im strong...stronger than many ppl know but i let myself become fragile, and i did not handle with care its just gonna be rough for awhile.... Current music: sleep to dream--fiona apple. lets see what 2006 was about according to my lj postings Jan -this month has been alot of soul searching -Going to NY this weekend to visit Seth and Norrell....and hopefully do fun things that we will not have time to do once the semester starts Feb -fay simpson is a goddess -Its sooo amazing outside now about 15inches! Last night around 2 am, Tabby, me jowan and allison had a great snowball fight outside the dorms -Norrell and I were each other's valentine -I know people play games, its what they do But I enjoy them on a board more than in life -wow, i got 10 more days to be a teenager...better make em count! -"maybe relationships shouldnt be that much work" -Come on Peter Pan, I got the window open tonight!! :) -I just have to enjoy the ride..and Trust myself! March -everything is just falling apart in my hands, as I watch it crumble I have a look of disbelief and surprise on my face while my mind is saying....oh come on, you knew this was going to happen -those of you that know of Josh and my bet, can laugh like hell (3rd week always gets them!) -but u know how it goes, the minute I accept whats happening in my life, a huge change will appear -jan and I out together = craziness where ppl stare and wonder ;) April -Thank you soooo much to rel, pags and tabbycat for taking care of me, while I walked around like a crack addict:) -So rel and I are taking a cab, when Seth calls and says get ur butts down to NYSportsClub because Clooney is back!! WHAT! We scream....we say, DRIVER STOP! and rush down 61st st -NORRELL GOT RA!! -I just need to find myself again -Do things that I want to do, realize my passions again May -May 18th-May 19th was some of the craziest hours in my life I felt betrayed, hurt, confused, angry, sad, empty, lost, turned on, sexy, beautiful, crazy, out of control, tired, exhausted, funny, cute, comforting, annoyed and thankful -I dont have any regrets--i didnt plan it, things just happened -do you ever feel like you just want to belong to a person, to a thing, to a place in a group, in a state....just to feel for a moment "yeah I fit here" July -"Men learn to love the women they are attracted to... while women become more and more attracted to the men they love" Sept -dancing at the end of the night = amazing....i didnt care who was watching -And for drama in my life-Im kinda over it, no really I think I am -so lets take the risk! -"what if I run" "I wont let you" "what if I pull away" "Ill call you out on it" -"I don't see anything I don't like about you." "But you will! But you will, and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped, because that's what happens with me." "Okay." -"you see that girl over there...well tonight is our last night together and she really wants a bottle of red wine (carriage ride), but I dont have the money for it, so if you give me your address, i promise ill send the money to you" -"I am bottled fizzy water and you are shaking me up" Oct -But I realize that complete ppl dont even look for what they lost, they are content and if something is lost, they forget it. Its those of us which r lost, which feel like they r missing something, they are going on this journey to find it in other ppl. Now there are people who really feel like there is a huge hole in their life and that they NEED this other person to fill it. Others, like me...just feel like this something, that i have lost, or r meant to find is in another person and could add to my life wonderfully. and i realized...i want it, and im tired of running from it -there is a thing called the MMC bubble -I sick of caring if everything is alright, im sick of caring if what i say is too needy or bitchy or not thought out, im sick of holding myself back, im tired of wanting more than i have Nov -this semester has been wonderful, professionally and personally hopefully i am breaking down my walls in both arenas -cynical katie has been whispering in my ear as of late to watch out, to not let myself "let go" and "risk" and "get too deep" I was telling her to shut up, but perhaps she is seeing things i put blindfolds over Dec -my stomach is too full of broken words and promises -i know there will be those with swords drawn protecting me and who will be on my side for whatever i might need but something tells me im going to be surrounded by polite ppl come next semester ones who step on eggshells and give me fake smiles of pity when i enter the room a room full of cowards i hope im wrong -houston, we have a katie -dont let myself get attached -it just keeps getting more complicated.... FUCK...did ALL of this stuff happen in just ONE year i cant even form words... just cant damn Current mood: overwhelmed. the worst thing you could give a girl is false hope... dont play son, please dont play Current mood:  anxious.
it just keeps getting more complicated.... anyone else feel that way? Current mood:  indescribable.
wow how this word has haunted me this week so my cat just died heart attack so sudden i didnt think i could get sadder this week since ive been home all i have been is sad and confused and frustrated and then this happens im just so tired of being so sad all the time I guess I shouldnt get too "attached" to people/animals i end up putting alot of love in them..and then they leave me so maybe thats the lesson that fate is trying to tell me dont let myself get attached ever Current mood:  morose.
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